


Invisibility and a Light in the Darkness

by forestcatari



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 15:32:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19444333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forestcatari/pseuds/forestcatari
Summary: Remus feels as though he has forgotten to be happy, but his friends can't seem to see it.





	Invisibility and a Light in the Darkness

"Mr. Lupin?"  
Remus raised his head, keeping his eyes lowered.  
"Yes, Professor McGonagall?" he said quietly.  
"Where is your homework?" she asked and looked at him expectantly.  
"I... I didn't do it," he admitted, filled with shame.  
McGonagall sighed.  
"You can't keep doing this, Remus. I know you can do better, so what's stopping you?"  
Maybe I can't do better, Remus thought. Maybe that's why.  
"I'll turn it in tomorrow," he mumbled.  
"All right," she said, though she looked skeptical. "But no later. Class dismissed!"  
Remus followed his friends out of the classroom, feeling miserable. Thankfully, they didn't mention his exchange with McGonagall. They didn't even look at him.  
It's like I'm invisible, Remus thought bitterly as his fellow marauders chattered happily in front of him.  
"What do you think, Moony?" Sirius asked and turned around, grinning. "Would I look good in a dress?"  
You would look good in anything. "I don't know, maybe you should-"  
"Hey, what were we supposed to do for potions?" James interrupted as if Remus hadn't even been speaking.  
Remus looked to Sirius, hoping that he would defend Remus' right to speak-  
"You could just listen when Slughorn gives the assignment for once. What if I decide not to tell you?" Sirius answered James, Remus apparently forgotten.  
Why do I even bother? Remus thought. It's obvious that no one wants to listen to me. Feeling annoyed and hurt, he left without saying a word. He needed to do his transfiguration work. They probably wouldn't even notice (or care) he'd gone.  
"So Moony, where were we before Prongs rudely interrupted? That's right, would I-" Sirius stopped. "Where's Remus? Did either of you see him leave?"  
Peter shook his head. "I didn't notice."  
"Don't worry, Sirius!" James said, grinning. "Your Moony will come back to you."  
"He shouldn't have just left- wait, what do you mean, my Moony?" Sirius asked.  
"Did you think we didn't notice? Peter said, laughing. "You're like a lovesick puppy!"  
"I am not a lovesick puppy!" Sirius said indignantly. "I am nothing like a puppy, lovesick or not."  
"Whatever, Sirius," James said, smirking.

It was dinner time by the time Remus rejoined his friends. Sirius grinned as the werewolf slid onto the bench directly across from him.  
"Moony! Where'd you go earlier?" Sirius exclaimed.  
"Library," Remus replied. "I had to work on something."  
"You just disappeared! You should have told us," Sirius said.  
"I didn't realize I needed to notify you whenever I want to do something," Remus said dryly.  
"Padfoot felt abandoned," James explained, grinning at Sirius. Sirius glared at him.  
They fell silent for a while as they ate their food. Sirius looked at Remus and frowned when he saw that he wasn't eating.  
"Why aren't you eating, Remus?" Sirius asked, looking concerned.  
Because you make me feel like my stomach is full of worms, that's why. "I'm not hungry."  
"What are you, his mom?" James asked.  
"I'm just concerned," Sirius replied defensively.  
"I'm fine," Remus assured him, not feeling very fine.  
Having finished their food, James and Peter got up.  
"We're heading back to the common room. Want to come with?" James asked Remus.  
"Sure," Remus said, getting up.  
"Moony!" Sirius pleaded , still trying to finish his food. "Don't leave me again!"  
Remus sat down again, How could he refuse him? Remus was glad to have more time with Sirius. More time to look at that handsome face... Remus' heart skipped a beat when he saw that he and Sirius were now alone.  
"All done!" Sirius exclaimed and stood up. "Let's go, Moony."  
They left the great hall, Remus walking silently, Sirius chattering away.  
"You're a good listener, Moony," Sirius commented as they reached the portrait of the fat lady. "Much better than Prongs. I'm glad you're my friend, Remus."  
That's great, thought Remus. But why do I feel like this friendship is rather one-sided?

A couple of days later, they were back in transfiguration. The class was ending and McGonagall was handing back their homework. She handed Remus' homework to him silently, her expression unreadable. There was a large red D in the corner. Looking over to see what his friends had gotten, his heart sank. James and Sirius both had O's. Even Peter had gotten an "acceptable." Feeling ashamed and miserable, Remus quickly stuffed his paper into his bag before anyone could see.  
"You got an outstanding, too?" Sirius exclaimed to James. "High five!"  
"It was hardly a challenge," said James, grinning. "I do wish she'd give us something harder."  
I wish you'd shut up, thought Remus, feeling worse than ever.

"Hey Remus," Peter said as they were eating lunch. "Why do you always look upset?"  
"I don't know what you're talking about," Remus said and attempted to smile.  
"Yeah," said James. "Don't you know how to smile?"  
Please stop. "I am smiling."  
"You call that a smile?" James said. "Pads, we need to teach Moony here how to smile."  
No, you don't. "I just realized!" Remus said quickly, searching for an excuse to leave. "I need to, I mean, I forgot my... book," he said, gathering his things quickly. "See you later."  
Head down, Remus exited the hall as quickly as possible.  
Can't even smile properly. What's wrong with you? Remus thought angrily. First you can't do simple homework and now you can't even behave like a normal human being? There's something wrong with you.  
Remus reached the dormitory and sat down on his bed. He had a little time before he had to go to charms. The minutes passed quickly and it was time to go, but he stayed seated.  
Just go to charms, he told himself. Why aren't you going? You don't want to? How pathetic is that? Fine. Just sit there. Just be a failure. Why do you even bother? You can't do anything right and no one cares about you anyway. You might as well be dead.  
Yes, Remus thought. It would be better if I was dead. But how? Knowing you, you probably won't even be able to kill yourself properly.  
Astronomy tower, a little voice said. Just one little jump.  
Astronomy tower it is, Remus agreed. He stood up mechanically and started walking.

"Where's Remus?" Sirius asked as the reached the charms classroom.  
"Can't you ever talk about anything else?" James said irritably. "You've got it bad, mate. He's probably just late."  
Sirius ignored him and grabbed James' bag. James frowned.  
"What are you doing?"  
"Where is it, where is it... Aha!" Sirius exclaimed triumphantly, brandishing a blank piece of parchment. "Found it!"  
James rolled his eyes. "You can't be serious. I'm sure he'll-"  
Sirius grinned. "Come on, James. Can't you recognize your own best friend? Of course I'm Sirius!"  
"Stop it."  
"No really, you can't-"  
"I'm serious!" James said, cringing when he realized his mistake.  
"You seem a little confused, Prongs. I'm Sirius. Remember?"  
"Why am I even friends with you?" James muttered and put his head in his hands.  
Sirius grinned. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," he said, tapping the paper with a flourish. "Moony, Moony, where is Moony?" He frowned. "What's he doing up there?"  
"Up where?" James asked curiously, but Sirius was already out the door. James sighed. "I just hope he doesn't expect me to make up an excuse for him," he muttered darkly.

Whether it was from the cold or because of what he was going to do, Remus didn't know, but he felt like a leaf in a storm. Taking care not to slip, he stepped onto the wall. Focused on the drop, he didn't hear Sirius join him on the tower.  
"Remus?" Sirius said, sounding scared. "What are you doing?"  
No, no, please no. He can't be here. He can't. "Please go away," Remus pleaded. Tears began to fall from his eyes as he suddenly realized everything that he'd be leaving if he were to jump.  
"Are you-no. Remus, don't. You don't need to do this. I need you!" Sirius said desperately.  
Remus inched closer to the edge.  
"Please, Remus! I love you, you can't-"  
"What did you say?" Remus said quietly, hardly daring to believe that he'd heard correctly.  
"I love you, Remus. I love you so much. Please-" he swallowed. "Please get down."  
Finally, Remus stepped back onto the safety of the tower. Sirius loved him? Could it really be true? No, he decided. How could he love me? Suddenly, there were arms around him and he tensed.  
"Is this- is this okay?" Sirius asked, drawing back a little.  
Remus nodded, still hardly believing that this was actually happening. "I'm sorry," he whispered.  
"It's not your fault," Sirius replied gently.  
"I love you too," Remus blurted and blushed.  
Sirius looked ecstatic. "You have no idea how happy that makes me, Remus. Is it- is it okay if I kiss you?"  
Remus nodded, looking terrified. His heart felt like it was going to beat straight through his chest. Sirius was leaning close, too close, and suddenly they were kissing. Oh god, Remus thought. I don't know how to kiss people. What do I do what do I do what do I do-  
He couldn't think, couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't do anything, and Sirius was still kissing him and his thoughts were racing faster and faster nothing was in control anymore there's no air- suddenly he was shoving Sirius away. Sirius looked at him, shocked and hurt.  
What have I done? Remus thought, feeling horrified.  
"Remus, what-"  
"It's not your fault- I panicked- I didn't mean to push you- I'm sorry!" Remus said frantically. "I do like you, I just-"  
"It's okay," Sirius reassured him. He shivered. "It's bloody freezing out here! Let's go inside."  
He took Remus by the hand and they made their way back to their dormitory, somehow managing to avoid meeting anyone on their way. Despite the early hour, Remus immediately climbed into bed, thoroughly exhausted by all that had happened.  
Feeling no desire to join his friends for dinner, Sirius sat down on his bed and grabbed the nearest book. It was one of Remus' books, some muggle novel. To Kill a Mockingbird. Sirius frowned. Who reads books about killing birds? Just as he was opening the book to investigate further, he heard a sound from Remus' bed. Was he crying? Feeling concerned, Sirius got up and approached Remus' bed. When he reached it, he hesitated a moment before making up his mind. He pulled back the curtains and climbed into the bed, pulling Remus into his arms. Remus froze, unsure of what to do. Maybe if he didn't move, Sirius would just go away. When a few moments passed and Sirius didn't show any signs of leaving, Remus began to relax. Lying there in Sirius' arms, he felt more at peace than he had in a long time. Maybe... just maybe, everything would be all right if he had Sirius by his side.  
"Sirius?" Remus whispered.  
"Hm?"  
"Please don't tell anyone."  
I won't, Moony. I promise."

James Potter was not happy. Not in the least. Sirius had left (taking the map, of course,) and now it was after dinner and neither Sirius or Remus had made an appearance. Honestly, James was a little worried.  
"Peter, come on. We need to find our friends." James said. "If we were Moony and Padfoot, where would we be?"  
"Making out in the dormitory?" Peter said, snickering.  
"I know you were joking, but I honestly wouldn't be that surprised," James said. "Maybe we should check."

They opened the door to their dormitory cautiously, not sure of what they'd find. Sirius and Remus were fast asleep in each other's arms.  
"Look at them!" James whispered. "Aren't they adorable? I wish I had a camera so I could preserve this precious moment forever."  
Peter looked skeptical. "You just want it for blackmail material," he accused.  
"Well, that too," James admitted. "Come on, let's let these two lovebirds be."

Sirius wished that he didn't have to do this. Remus was going to hate him. Because no matter what other people said Sirius Black was responsible and he knew that he wasn't going to be able to help Remus get better without help. So he decided to tell McGonagall.

Minerva McGonagall frowned at the black-haired boy currently standing in her office.  
"Mr.Black, since when do you come here willingly?" she asked suspiciously.  
Sirius shifted uncomfortably. "Something happened yesterday," he began hesitantly. "I think... I think Remus needs help."  
"Tell me what happened."  
Sirius hoped to god that he was doing the right thing.  
"He wasn't in charms yesterday. He doesn't usually skip class, so I went looking for him. He was at the top of the astronomy tower. He was- I think he was going to jump. I stopped him, but I'm scared he'll try again." Sirius looked up anxiously. "He asked me not to tell anyone. I'm doing the right thing, aren't I?"  
"Of course you are," Professor McGonagall assured him. "Don't worry about Remus. I'll make sure he gets help."  
Sirius left the office, feeling relieved but apprehensive about how Remus would react. He wondered for a moment whether he had to tell Remus at all, but he knew that he had to be honest. Remus would never forgive him if he wasn't.

"Remus, I think there's something you should know," Sirius said to Remus that evening as they walked back to the common room. "I told McGonagall about what happened."  
Remus stopped suddenly. "You said you wouldn't tell," he said quietly, his voice shaking slightly.  
"Yes, I know, and I'm sorry for lying to you, but I needed to do it," Sirius said, taking Remus' hand. "You need help, Remus. Professional help,"  
"I don't need help," Remus spat, pulling his hand away. "I'm fine!"  
"Remus, you're not," Sirius said gently.  
"I am!" Great, now he was crying. "Yesterday was, it wasn't anything. I'm fine now!"  
"These things don't just go away! Maybe you feel better today, but it's going to come back!" Sirius said angrily. "I just don't want to lose you."  
"Oh, so it's all about you now?" Remus said, slightly hysterically. " Well guess what?" I don't exist for you! You don't even love me. You love what I give you." And with that, he stormed off, leaving Sirius standing alone in the thankfully empty hallway.  
"God damnit!" Sirius cursed, kicking the wall.

Remus wouldn't even look at Sirius the next morning. At breakfast, he sat at the far end of the table, trying to distance himself as much as possible.  
"Why's Moony way over there?" Peter asked, looking down to where Remus was sitting.  
"Yeah, you two looked so cozy the other night-" James said, grinning.  
"Will you just shut the fuck up?" Sirius growled as he vigorously impaled a sausage with his fork.  
"Did you guys have a fight or something?" Peter asked.  
"You didn't cheat on him or something, did you?" James said. "Because if you did-"  
"We're not dating!" Sirius exclaimed. "And I would never do that to him."  
"What, then?" James said.  
Sirius sighed. "I told him I wouldn't do something, but I did it anyway because it was the right thing to do. So now he hates me."  
"Why don't you just explain that to him?" Peter suggested.  
"You don't think I tried that already?" Sirius said irritably. "He won't listen."  
"Well, if you would actually bother to tell us what happened-" said James.  
"No," Sirius said. "It would only make things worse."  
"Suit yourself," James said. "We'd better get going or we'll be late for potions."

Remus was dreading going to transfiguration. He told himself not to worry, that he still had potions before transfiguration, but potions was over before he knew it and it was time. How can I go? Remus thought. She knows. She knows there's something wrong with me. He wondered if he could just cut class, but he knew that wouldn't work. Sirius would probably just go looking for him. Again. Fucking Sirius. So, gathering his courage, he stepped into the classroom and hurried to his seat, careful not to make eye contact with anyone. Nothing happened. McGonagall didn't even look up. She didn't show any sign that she knew Remus' secret, and she barely acknowledged him the whole class. When class had finished without her saying so much as a word to him, he began to feel hopeful. Maybe she wasn't going to do anything.  
"Mr.Lupin, I would like to see you in my office," McGonagall said as the students began packing up.  
Shit.  
Feeling sick to his stomach, Remus followed McGonagall into her office. She shut the door.  
"Please sit down, Mr.Lupin," McGonagall said, gesturing to a chair sitting in front of her desk.  
Feeling as though his whole world was collapsing in on him, Remus sat down. He couldn't look at her.  
"Mr.Black came to see me yesterday," McGonagall said. "He seemed to think that you planned on ending your life. Is this true?"  
Remus tensed. He couldn't breathe, couldn't think-  
"Remus?" McGonagall asked gently. "Please tell me."  
"Yes," Remus whispered.  
"Have you ever tried to hurt yourself before this?"  
Remus shook his head, trying desperately to stop himself from crying.  
McGonagall looked at him pityingly. Remus wanted to disappear.  
"Since we don't have a therapist here at Hogwarts, you'll have to see one at Saint Mungo's. You'll travel there by floo powder once a week for as long as it's necessary. Does that sound alright?"  
Knowing that he didn't really have a choice in the matter, Remus nodded.  
"I'm afraid I will have to notify your parents about this," McGonagall said, looking apologetic. "You may go now."  
Remus got up and left the office, his head down. It was almost time for charms. He wondered what he'd missed from last class. Sirius had missed that class too. Why did Sirius have to interrupt him that day? Just one more minute and he'd've been gone. But Sirius had come, and so Remus was still here, still living and breathing. Still hopelessly in love with Sirius. Horrible, awful, beautiful Sirius, who stayed with him, helped him, loved him-but that wasn't true. There is nothing worth loving about me, Remus thought. Nothing. Remus wished that he could die. He wished that he could disappear, leaving no trace behind. But he knew that he couldn't because no matter how much he told himself that nobody cared, his parents still loved him. He had to try, for their sake. So he went to charms.

James was officially fed up with Remus and Sirius. For a week they'd been pretending to ignore each other while sneaking looks at each other while the other wasn't looking. Horrible, pathetic, puppy-eyed looks. It was driving James up the wall. So he cornered Remus after class, intending to put an end to this nonsense.  
"Moony!" James exclaimed. "So nice to talk to you! You are a marauder, you know. Or did you forget?"  
"What do you want, James?" Remus asked tiredly.  
"Can't a guy talk to his friend without it being assumed that he wants something?" James complained. "I'm wounded, Moony."  
Remus rolled his eyes.  
"I know you, James," he said. "I can tell when you want something."  
"Oh, all right," James said, grinning. "I do want something. I want you and Sirius to stop fighting. It's driving me crazy!"  
"It's not really any of your business-" Remus started, but was cut off.  
"I'm your friend. Of course it's my business," James said seriously. "I don't know what Sirius did to you, but I can tell that neither of you likes fighting with each other. So can you please just forgive him and be done with it?"  
"I can't," Remus said quietly. "I'm sorry." And with that he walked away, quickly disappearing into the river of students moving through the hallway.  
"Well that was successful," James muttered. Time for plan B.

"Sirius, we have a problem," James said the next day in potions.  
"And what would that be?" Sirius asked absentmindedly, busy gazing at Remus, who was sitting on the other side of the room. Still looking at Remus, Sirius added the wrong ingredient to his potion, causing a small explosion.  
"That," James said, "is our problem."  
"My potions skills?" Sirius asked, looking confused.  
"What? No!" James said. "I was talking about Remus, obviously."  
"Obviously," Sirius said skeptically. "I don't know what you expect me to do about it. I've tried, but he won't even look at me."  
"Look Sirius, I'm not an expert on feelings or anything, but I can tell that he’s not really mad at you," James advised him. "You just have to make him listen."  
Sirius sighed. "All right, I'll try. But it won't work."  
“Good!” said James, “Because if you don’t I’m going to lock you both in a cupboard somewhere until I am absolutely sure you’re done being idiots, because I cannot stand another moment of this.”

That evening, Sirius found Remus sitting at a corner table in the library, reading a book. Sirius approached cautiously and sat down. Remus didn’t look up from his book. He stared at the words on the page without reading them, half wishing that Sirius would just leave (but half wishing he wouldn’t.)  
“Remus,” Sirius started hesitantly, “I know that you probably hate me, but I can’t stand this. You’re still my friend and I miss talking to you and hanging out with you.”  
Remus sat there frozen, unsure of how to respond.  
“I’m still in love with you, Moony,” Sirius’s voice cracked, “even though I probably ruined everything-”  
“Don’t say that,” Remus begged, still staring at his book, “That you love me. It’s not true. What is there worth loving about me?”  
Sirius looked incredulous. “What is there worth loving about you? You’re kind, smart, a-attractive, you’re funny when you’re not-like this. Remus, you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, Of course I love you!”  
“I wish I could believe you,” Remus said sadly. He closed his book, still looking down. “I’m not angry, you know,” he said after a moment’s pause. “Not anymore. Maybe I never really was. Professor McGonagall-she’s been sending me to see someone. It helps. So I guess what I’m saying is, thanks for doing what I couldn’t do for myself.”  
“Remus, look at me,” Sirius said gently, and Remus reluctantly lifted his eyes. “I know you don’t believe that I could love you, but I do. I want to do whatever it takes to help you get better. However long it takes, however bad it gets, I will stay with you. That is a promise I will keep,” Sirius said earnestly. “So, can we be friends again?”  
“Yes,” Remus said, smiling. “I’m sorry for not talking to you. I didn’t know how to. I wasn’t sure if you even wanted me to. Sometimes it’s hard for me to see when people care about me. You understand, right?” he asked anxiously.  
“Well- not really,” Sirius admitted, “But I’m trying to. I’ll leave you alone now,” he said, getting to his feet.  
“Sirius, wait,” Remus called after him. Standing up, he walked towards Sirius. Sirius turned around, a question in his eyes. Taking a deep breath, Remus shut his eyes tightly and kissed him. Or at least, he tried to.  
“Ouch!,” Sirius said as he rubbed his forehead.  
“I’m so sorry!” Remus said, panicking.  
But Sirius was laughing, and he looked beautiful. Remus smiled in spite of himself, and soon he was chuckling too. He looked at Sirius’s face and saw a strange, soft look.  
“What?” Remus said, suddenly self conscious.  
“It’s just-it’s been a long time since I saw you smiling,” Sirius explained. “It’s nice to see.”  
Remus blushed and ducked his head, unsure of what to do with the attention.  
Sirius cleared his throat. “So, uh, should we try again?”   
Remus nodded, and with that Sirius stepped forward, gently pressing his lips to Remus’s. It was awkward, and new, but so very wonderful. Remus felt like he could’ve gone on kissing Sirius forever, but they were soon interrupted by a sharp cough and a glare from Madam Pince. Grinning sheepishly, they exited the library, hand in hand.

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this fic as a 13 year old struggling with depression. I finally typed it up and (after a few edits and additions) it seemed finished, so I decided to post it here. So I guess this story technically took like 8 years to write lmao. I don't really consider myself to be a writer, but hopefully someone will enjoy reading it. Maybe it will reach someone like 13 year old me, who needs someone to see and understand what they're going through. 8 years later I can tell you that it really does get so much better. I know that sounds like bullshit but I really mean it. You just have to hold on and keep going even when it doesn't feel like there's any point, because one day you'll be on the other side. And let me tell you, it is beautiful over here.


End file.
